Sky High

Photos from prom yesterday! It was fun getting ready together with the girls and dinner with (most of) 09a07 was good too! For all the grouses I have about SA, one thing i'm truly thankful for is my great class and classmates :) It makes me so happy when I think of the wonderful and really unique friendships i've made through the 2 years. It was a good way to wrap up jc life, with everyone looking their best (compared to the pale faces and eyebags galore of the A level period haha!) and in high spirits :)

Chen's back on Sunday morning and then we fly off at night, i've yet to pack and tomorrow is a full day sooo I foresee a mad rush on Sunday! But it's an exciting time and i'm really looking forward to it :)

Thoughts on school

Today has been an absolutely bizzare day.. haha almost can't believe it. But i've come to the certain conclusion that it's worth it to travel home whenever there's a long break cos there's hardly any merit in staying in a place that saps my energy/personality away! I've been thinking about how i'm so different in and out of school and even when I try to be myself in school, I never really can because i'm not comfortable there at all. At least I know it's temporal, and i'll be out in two months so it's not so bad :) Gonna get through another day there tomorrow, head to the optometrist after school, and before I know it it'll be the weekend again.

Let's hope dinner redeems the day!! Can't wait to see Shawn and spend time with him and tiffy later :)

Midweek Musings

School has been really really tiring.. I find that I feel a lot more tired on days with fewer lessons and more breaks- haha sometimes it makes me contemplate what form of fatigue i'm feeling! and home feels kinda weird without mum dad and cla (who are living it up in London!!) but thank God for Shawn (and his eternal patience when it comes to my whims/whining) and the aunties :) I just wish I wouldn't feel soo drained after each day and overwhelmed by things to do/things yet to come.. I'm continually re-learning the lesson of taking things one day at a time- do your best in what you can each day, and save tomorrow's worries and struggles for tomorrow. At the end of the day, I believe that we have a God who is faithful and loving, who has planned nothing but the best for us if only we trust in His perfect timing and unfailing love :) I want to make the choice to remember this every single day.

(Melo)Drama

Gold for SYF- I'm glad that people are glad but I don't feel any joy. Maybe it's because i've been doing the same job for the second year running; the amount of stress and responsibility overpowers the sense of acheivement at the end of the day. I still feel drained and tired and a bit like no amount of reward can compensate (can't find the right word but closest to how I feel) for everything. But it's great that everything fell into place, looking back over the past 3 months it's pretty amazing how we/they got this far.

Going into theatre tomorrow, the next 5 full days will be spent in theatre, tomorrow and Thursday for technical runs and rehearsals and then the show starts Friday through Sunday. I kinda just want this all to be over so my life can assume some form of normality again.

Whatever it is that's happening in school, I'm thankful for the great people outside of it :) For my family (I miss Chen so much, sometimes I forget she's gone back), Shawn and his family too- dinner with them (Aunty Florence's farewell) just now reminded me of how blessed and loved I am, for Jo and Sop who I know will always be there for me whenever I need them. I wish I could spend more time with these people. Sunday come quickly please.

Matt 11:28

Everyday has been passing in a blur- between school, rehearsals, trying to catch up on work and finding snatches of time to be with the ones I love, there hasn't been time to take a step back and just be. The past 2 weeks have been emotionally draining on many different levels.. but even that aside, it feels like i've been on the move for the longest time, doing and doing and doing stuff but there's always more!! But at least for drama, it's literally down to days before we're done with both SYF (this thursday!) and college play next weekend. From now till next weekend, Chen will leave (i wish she didn't have to..), we'll go into theatre, I'll turn 19 and then the craziness will all be over and June holidays will be here before we know it :) So.. For now i'm hanging tough, trying the best I can to take things as they come and finding rest and strength in the One who loves me and holds my future in His hands.

The way I see it

:'( I want S to come home. My thoughts are all over the place..

Maybe a good place to start would be to be thankful. Truly thank God for BT and PW results, I couldn't have done it on my own strength at all. Thankful for my family. For Shawn, for his family. For moments of clarity and perspective where I get glimpses of the light at the end of this (very) dark and murky tunnel.

I don't know what exactly it is that's weighing down on my heart; a combination of knowing that the month ahead will be one of great stress and pressure (especially bearing the responsibility of something I never wanted to do in the first place), that i'll hardly be able to spend time with the people I love because rehearsals end late everyday and weekends are spent trying to make up for the work I couldn't do in the week.. but mostly, I think it's feeling like i'm stuck somewhere when every part of me is ready to leave and move on. I want to move on.

But while i'm still stuck and I still have to fulfill expectations and responsibilities, I will do it to the best of my ability. Exactly a month till i'm free from the stress of stage managing, and then another 4ish months till graduation! Till then, i'll keep my eyes on the author and perfecter of my faith and remember that in the grander scheme of things, all of this isn't so bad.

1st Wednesday of April

Sports Day today and our 8x200m team got third place!! Way to go :) There are many things about the school I'm not very fond of (haha understatement of the year maybe..?) but I really do love my class.

In other news, I got wiped out by a nasty flubug over the weekend and so I spent Monday and Tuesday mostly drifting in and out of sleep and willing myself to recover.. Haha but now that i'm almost all better, I don't know which I prefer anymore. Two more days till the next weekend, and hopefully April and May whiz past so June can quickly come. 74 days (yes it's almost time to start counting down!) till S is back, i'm looking forward to it with every fibre of my being.. Nobody knows me the way he does.

Calm

Rome 2009

Missing the characterful streets of Rome.. and the weather! Cold but still full of sunshine and light (most of the time), which is exactly what I need now that Singapore has hit a season of excessive heat and humidity. After the chaos of Saturday i'm glad for the relative calm of yesterday and today, especially because I got to spend time with Jo over good food and conversation after Church on Sunday.. my heart felt much lighter after :) Today wasn't so bluesy for a Monday either, minus the pain and discomfort from cramps. Spent the long break with my fave classmates at the tauhuey shop and finally collected my new camera! Hope i'll be well enough for school tomorrow.. Just 4 more days till the March Hols :)

It ain't over till it's over

So... My Chinese A level results are back and i've decided to retake the paper in June. I don't know, I guess i'm disappointed that I didn't acheive what I wanted to but at least I have another shot at it :) And hopefully this time I won't mess my oral exam up so I can do better! Plus i'm actually going to work at it and put effort into studying, so that it'll make the extra time spent worth it in the end. Thank God for granting me peace and strength- i'm honestly surprised at how alright I am about not reaching my expectations. It's probably because I got all the negative energy out after calling S and Chen and listening to their perspectives, and talking to mum about it in the car.. Thankful for the people around me :) Sticking by the 3 words that push me onwards : just Keep. Moving. Forward. That's the only way to go :)

TGIF to the highest degree

Had a really bad day today.. I'm so glad it's the weekend- a timeout from school is all I need right now. Thankfully dinner with Josh kinda redeemed the day, was good catching up over nice food (see you the next time you're back!) :)

I think I need to learn to accept the fact that things won't always be the way I want them to be, that there is a reason and season for everything, that sometimes "things fall apart so that better things can fall together" (Marilyn Monroe). Also trying to align myself more with who God wants me to be.. More patient and kind, more trusting and hopeful. I stumble lots but i'll keep trying, because what can be better than the pursuit of being the person He wants me to be..?

Hoping that the weekend will be full of the little things in life that remind me of beauty, light and joy :)

Blah

Major school blues :( Thank God it's only a 3 day week.. Eagerly anticipating the weekend already.

Thank you

Thankful for my truly awesome classmates.. Thank you all for the hugs and support, for feeling upset on my behalf, for the encouragement, for making me smile inside:). I don't know why I get so quiet and inarticulate when i'm sad.. I'm even quiet in my own head which doesn't happen very often. Right now, i'm trying my hardest to muster up the little bit of fighting spirit that I have left in me to take a stand against what I honestly feel is unfair. It's days like today where I find myself missing the me who would fight without hesitation for what I want. Looking to God for the courage to change the things I can do something about; praying for the ability to be the change I want to see in the world.

Remy

Looking at this makes me feel fuzzy and dreamy in a good way.. It's only been two months and i'm already itching to travel again. Is that normal? Last night was intense- got 2 hours of sleep and went to school late but I guess i'm still glad I went. Things to be thankful for today: painkillers, extra talking time with Shawn (although much of it was spent moaning haha), econs results, great classmates (missed ya juls). I know it's only February but i'm already looking forward to June cos S will be back with me :)

Random thoughts

Today was a bad day.. but there's nothing like a hot shower+ice-cream+coffee+just being HOME to make the day alright again. I really love home :) School has been such a waste of time these days.

Two days down, three to go

The past 2 days have been great as far as school days go.. Although today isn't really a school day cos it's e-learning haha. Though the school part of yesterday was gross, it was nice having fat juls emma jeannie nic over at wilkie to chill/eat/laugh/scream at the lousy gramophone dvd and watch nick&norah's infinite playlist (which is awesome!!) :) Spent today at Cityhall with juls fat nic and jt to do e-learning.. Haha I don't know how successful we were overall but it was good anyway. I think school isn't gonna be so bad with these people around- glad the first 2 days of the week went well so even if the next 3 are bad, it'll still be ok :) January has been a really slow moving month but it's finally coming to an end.. 5 more days!

It's not so bad

Photo from juls' camera, it makes me smile! Anyway thought i'd neutralise the negativity of the previous post- school has actually been pretty okay, I'm enjoying the learning and also really thankful for my class and the people in it :) I know things might not get better (chances are that it'll get worse) especially when the Drama season picks up and there's more academic work to do, but I guess all we can do is keep trying, keep pushing, keep hoping right? I don't know, that's what helps me get through each day.. plus knowing my family and S are unconditionally behind me. MSAs are almost over, math tomorrow and that's it! 2nd week almost down and the weekend's in view :)

My identity is in You

Maybe it doesn't show much, but I have an ongoing struggle with the way things have turned out for me through this journey of JC education.. Sometimes I feel bitter and angry; resentful at the way I'm tied to a singular commitment that I seem to be solely accountable for. Forgone opportunities and experiences all for what..? To be pushed over and subjected to unreasonable demands and expectations, and then being held accountable when they are not met. It's a cycle that i've grown resigned to- it's not a matter of not wanting to fight for the things I want, it's knowing that every possible step I take will lead to the same undesirable outcome.

But in all this.. In all the feelings of hopelessness and for all the times i've questioned the unfairness of the way things are, I hold fast to the promise that my God will never leave me or forsake me, He has promised me HOPE and a future. My identity doesn't lie in the praise of men, doesn't lie in acheivements or failures, doesn't lie in what people perceive me to be. My identity is in my God and Father, the One who holds my days in His hands, who guides and leads me by quiet pastures. I pray I will remember this everyday.

Midweek

Day 3 and i'm already completely exhausted.. At least Open House is over, so hopefully things will get less hectic. It's more than a little daunting to think about MSAs next week and all the other stuff that's coming up in the next few months- but i'm learning to take it one day at a time and to chill out more. Haha I think that's something I really need to learn how to do..! Can't wait for the weekend.

17!

Some photos from Juls' birthday :) It was a fun day! Love ya "i-wanna-be-16-forever" girl :) Envious of you flying off to GERMANY tonight (aaah excited for you too!)- But I know you'll have a blast. Soak in the Berlin air and take lots of photos :) All the YA people (wengs emma jeannie juls) take care of yourselves and share stories about your escapades when you get back ;) See you all soon!

TGIF!

This week wasn't so bad.. Although our timetable is really sparse and weird (2 hours of school a day!), I kinda enjoyed the lessons. And YES the banners are done! Huge weight off my shoulders- fat and I painted/drew for 6-7 hours straight it was crazyyy but i'm glad I had her with me :)

Gonna watch A Christmas Carol later with family+sop yay :) Lovelovelove Christmas movies best of all.